Wednesday, March 16, 2011

lost friend

it's the first time
that  i  think i lost a friend

who was once my best friend
who shared with me a thousand laughs
who made my heart soar
who made me wake up smiling
her voice would speak in my head
when i did certain things
her voice would laugh
scold
speak
when i saw something i thought of her
when i got home
hers was the first number i called
she was my closest, warmest, happiest friend

but i think over time
she changed
in my opinion
her heart grew cold
she didn't laugh with me
she didn't call me
she dismissed what i said
she ignored me
and threw stones at my heart

i acted the same as she
i didn't talk to her
i didn't call her
i never dismissed what she said
i never tried to hurt her
so why did this happen?

i pretended to not care
i told myself i had plently of friends
but rejection tore at me
and i cried for what was the first time
in a long time
i didn't tell her
i didn't want her to hurt
and i don't know if she is

it'd be selfish of me to want her to
but it just hurts even more if she doesn't

but i love her
she still has that place in my heart
i don't feel angry
not even a bit
but just this sorrow on me
that no one, not even she, will understand

i don't have friends
i have acquantences
i have people to talk to
i have people who work with me
who talk with me
who laugh with me
but never a person
like her will  i be friends with

i hate for us to not be friends
to barely be acquantences
but i think it's best
if i don't trouble her or burden her with myself
if i let her move on
even if i'm to be left behind

thank you however
for teaching me the importance of friendship
for teaching me a life lesson
that not all friendships last lifetimes
that some things, the hardest things, are sometimes the right things
you gave me a burst of sunshine when things were hard
you taught me happiness though it was brief
it's so hard for me to let go
i don't think i ever will
even as i cry now
i think it's for real

to my once best friend, to the person i have lived through middle school for:

i love you
and i'm sorry
that i can't be the friend
you want

3 Comments,

Blueicegal ♥ said...

Woe Kirthi. I am so sorry that your going through this right now. It sucks, trust me, I have had this happen to me and it is never easy. I can tell you that you will move on and be happy again. Stay strong *hugs*

Martha Lawson said...

This happened to me many years ago and it still bothers me. You will go on but never trust another person that much again.

Roma said...

Hey, Kirthi, whats up? Is there something wrong? I am so sorry that you have to go through that, it's awful, and it's not easy, but you'll get through it and it will have a good and happy ending, promise :)