lost friend

it's the first time
that  i  think i lost a friend

who was once my best friend
who shared with me a thousand laughs
who made my heart soar
who made me wake up smiling
her voice would speak in my head
when i did certain things
her voice would laugh
scold
speak
when i saw something i thought of her
when i got home
hers was the first number i called
she was my closest, warmest, happiest friend

but i think over time
she changed
in my opinion
her heart grew cold
she didn't laugh with me
she didn't call me
she dismissed what i said
she ignored me
and threw stones at my heart

i acted the same as she
i didn't talk to her
i didn't call her
i never dismissed what she said
i never tried to hurt her
so why did this happen?

i pretended to not care
i told myself i had plently of friends
but rejection tore at me
and i cried for what was the first time
in a long time
i didn't tell her
i didn't want her to hurt
and i don't know if she is

it'd be selfish of me to want her to
but it just hurts even more if she doesn't

but i love her
she still has that place in my heart
i don't feel angry
not even a bit
but just this sorrow on me
that no one, not even she, will understand

i don't have friends
i have acquantences
i have people to talk to
i have people who work with me
who talk with me
who laugh with me
but never a person
like her will  i be friends with

i hate for us to not be friends
to barely be acquantences
but i think it's best
if i don't trouble her or burden her with myself
if i let her move on
even if i'm to be left behind

thank you however
for teaching me the importance of friendship
for teaching me a life lesson
that not all friendships last lifetimes
that some things, the hardest things, are sometimes the right things
you gave me a burst of sunshine when things were hard
you taught me happiness though it was brief
it's so hard for me to let go
i don't think i ever will
even as i cry now
i think it's for real

to my once best friend, to the person i have lived through middle school for:

i love you
and i'm sorry
that i can't be the friend
you want